The Orange Nightie

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My daughter casually flung the nightie at me saying, “Here, you wear nighties much more than I do, you take it.” My heart shattered into a thousand little bits. The ‘nightie’ was old, faded, worn out, fit to be thrown out really or torn up and used as cleaning cloths like we did back home. But it was the nightie that she had taken from me ,what, four years ago so she could feel close to me. She wasn’t much of a nightie-wearer even then but she wore it because I did, it was a tie between us, almost like a secret language of love and closeness. At least that’s what I thought.
Now she had been married a year, has a husband who adores her and whom she adores. Also she’s older, wiser and not a kid anymore! And she’s outgrown the nightie.
But to have it flung as though it had already been made into a rag? Like I was a rag now? No longer the longed for Mama who lived far away. No longer the adored mother. I am in a period of transition trying to find my feet in this new world because I know there will be love here too, only different and above all I do not want to get left behind high and dry sulking for the old world.
So this morning when the sleeves of my black nightie got wet while washing the dishes I got out of it and put on the old worn orange one. And all the angst disappeared. The life went out of the pain and there was left a lightness and ever so little I inched into the new world.

Early Morning

Thank goodness this morning when I awoke at 4.30am there was quiet. Yesterday some sort of crackers/ shots could be heard as from far away right up till 6am. Actually I have heard these sounds on and off for years and years ( I have been living here in Vasant Kunj now since 1995) and often wondered what these were. Till recently I thought they were crackers being blown up at the 'doli' ceremony after a wedding...but yesterday I was quite sure it could not be that...crackers for two to three hours? Then I wondered are these gun shots of some sort? Could some one be shooting...birds, ducks? Or just practicing? What then? Grrr most frustrating hearing them but not having any idea what they are.

There is a lot of open space around, farmhouses. But isn't that illegal? And doesn't anyone ever wonder about the cracking noises so many times and at such unearthly hours? The Police perhaps? It's all very disconcerting.

Compare this to a few nights I spent at Mashobra (Simla) at a niece's wedding. I stayed all alone in an apartment and the silence was, well, cliched as it may sound, deafening. After a bit it felt wonderful. I felt closer to myself, meditative, at peace and I was very aware of the contrast when I returned to Delhi. Which is why perhaps those mysterious 'shots' are disturbing me much more now. I long for some silence.

Frank is startled Elizabeth Taylor has children ?

Some things are so subtle that they are easily missed. Take this opening sentence in a review of a book on Elizabeth Taylor, How to Be a Movie Star:Elizabeth Taylor in Hollywood by William J. Mann, written by Frank Bruni in the New York Times, "It’s startling, in fact, to be reminded that she has four children, one of them adopted..." This is a review of Elizabeth Taylor's career, not her family life, yet the author is 'startled' to learn she has children. Why? Because she's a woman? Had the article been about one of the top male actors would anyone have noticed or cared whether or not he had children and would anyone have had expectations that the male hero spend significant time with his children or appear 'fatherly' perhaps? No, actually that might have detracted from his attractiveness.... yet in the case of a woman the gentleman is startled. Frank, my dear, your slip just showed!